Story 1: Timing

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, "Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape. Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea: "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "


Story 2: Ah Beng tiok Toto

Ah Beng rushed in to his house and shouted for his wife, " Lian, Ah Lian ah, quick, quick, pack your bags, ho say leow, I kanna Toto. One meellion lollars." His wife, Ah Lian, came out of the kitchen, and asked, "Wah....this time song leow! Where should we go, ha? Should I pack for A-merry-ca or Chip Poon, ha.....?".

"No," said Ah Beng. "Just pack your bags and ka lim peh keong kan (f-off)"


Story 3: Drinks

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."

The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"

Host : "Quiet please."

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Gu ni!" (cow milk in hokkien)

Story 4: Life-term prison gifts

Three men, Ah Kaw, Ah Te, and Ah Beng were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery. Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it."

So Ah Kaw asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke. Ah Te asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his UPSR. Ah Beng, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons.

The warden was puzzled and asked, "What do you need tampons for?"

Ah Beng replied: "Walau, you never watsh TV meh? They say you got tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"


Story 5: Soldiers

A British soldier, a Malaysian soldier and a Singaporean soldier were running away from a group of Japanese soldiers and came to a deserted warehouse. The British saw some gunny sacks and thought that the they had no choice but to hide using the gunny sacks. So the three of them hid in the gunny sack and soon the Japs came into the warehouse.

The commander saw three suspicious looking sacks, went up to the first one with the Briton hiding in it and kicked it. The quick thinking Briton cried, "Meow, meow!". The Jap commander, thinking it was only a cat, went to the other with the Malaysian inside, gave it a kick, and the Malaysian cried, "Woof, woof!"

Again, the Jap commander was tricked and moved on to the third, gave it a kick, at which the Singaporean cried out, "Kan ni na chee bye, who kick me hah?!?!?!"


Story 6: Ah Beng Mekenik

Ah Beng decided to start a business; an auto garage. He buy the best of car servicing equipment and manpower. Then Ah Beng waited that day for cars to arrive but no car entered their garage. Then he waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week for the car to arrive but no car came to their garage.

So Ah Beng called his friend and complain to his friend "I lonnoe why la no bisles one my mekenik sop". Then his friend asked "Why? Hong chui (feng shui) no good ar?".

Ah Beng instantly replied "What hong chui no good, my shop got nice number open at 8th floor lerrr!!!"


Story 7: Heng ah

One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path. Wait!" cried Ah Beng. "Wat is tat huh?"

"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng.

"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.

"Eee look like shit lah!" say Ah Beng.

"Hmmm..... smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.

Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"

Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confidence, he said, "Confirm is shit!"

Then they smiled at each other, "WAH! Heng ahhh we didn't step on it."


Story 8: Beng masuk Army

War is going on between Malaysia and Singapore. Ah Beng was recruited as a runner to pass important messages from Singapore's spies in Malaysia to the Singapore government. Halfway running in the forest, Ah Beng spotted a bunch of Malaysian troops and accidentally shouted "Ni na beh, Ma-lai-siah peng!!" and hides in the bushes.

The Malaysian army Corporal heard Ah Beng and alerted his troops. His right hand man started asking "How to look for him? Jungle so big" and the corporal replied "Rilek la, so easy." The corporal stood in his position and shouted "BANG".

Ah Beng came out and asked "Who call me???"

HAHAHAAHH!!!! HAAHAHAHAHAH!!! Those are so freaking funny! Hahahah! I can even imagine how the guy would talk hahahahahah oh god... Thanks for relieving the stress bro! I love story number 2, 4, 6, and 7. God they are hillarious!

LOL these jokes are very "local" :)

hahahah definately something i can relate tooooooo......"OI whu kik me ah?!!!!" mwhahahah "BANG!!!!!" hahaha awesum!!!i was saying the whole thing out loud in the best (or worse) Ah beng accent as possible haha

speaking in AhBeng accent....i think i can do it quite well...show your guys in the coming meeting ba ~

share something from talking cock

Ah Beng's Guide To Geographical Terminology (Contributed by Wyman Lye)

GORGES adj. stunningly beautiful
("That ger (girl) is gorges!")

BEACH noun. a derogatory term for a disliked woman
("That Bee Lian is such a beach, man!")

CORAL verb.
1. to bicker
("Want to coral, is it?")
2. (followed by reef) to argue with
("Want to coral reef me, is it?")

DAM noun. a swear word to express disgust or dismay
("Dam it, call her go Zouk, she doe wan.")

VALLEY adverb. extremely
("That Versachee belt, valley nice!")

THERMOMETER phrase. to meet the next day
("Cindy say thermometer at Taka.")

LATITUDE adjective. a disagreeable demeanour
(" She really got latitude problem man!")

CIRRUS adjective. certain
("Cirrus or not? Don' bluff!")

CANOPY phrase. impossible
("He bought new handphone? Canopy!")

Ahahahahah Lai! Those are priceless!